Just been watching music video’s from the 1970’s. It brought back a lot of memories and extreme emotions from the 70’s and 60’s. I don’t know how I survived. I felt like I didn’t belong and simply couldn’t live my life as my true self.
I was someone else trapped out of place and time. That was not me and I hated everything about my life, it just wasn’t my life. Not how it should have been. I was going down the wrong path and I knew it but had no choice. I did try but really couldn’t manage. I was always out of my depth.
I was five years old and wished I had never been born. Shouted at by a GP and told I was wicked. Why? I didn’t know or understand.
I was forced to live the life of someone that didn’t exist. An out of place non entity in the wrong life. I tried to put it out of my mind and eventually it became a dull pain that could be hidden in the haze of drunkenness. It was like mourning the loss of someone close and loved. A type of grief that the passing of time could never possibly heal. It was always there just beneath the surface like a dull pain. It was heartache, I felt it in my heart.
Something changed when I fell in love with a comrade. I felt happy. Up till then I had only ever been happy when I was drinking and usually on my own. I could lose myself then.
I couldn’t tell anyone about how I felt. I wasn’t me, I was someone else. I was hiding inside someone else and had to hide my love and feelings.
The person I was inside of couldn’t love and had to act ‘his’ part. The person I loved couldn’t love me. I was hidden away inside someone else.
He did like us, the one I had fallen for and we enjoyed each others comradeship. That made me very happy. I knew it couldn’t last but accepted that. That was who we were, me and the one I was inside. Nobody would ever know or understand.
What kind of life was that. Why did I have to hide away. Why why why?
I was born Trans, that’s why. I had no choice. I wanted to live but had to hide instead. Hide myself away and pretend. Not even knowing how to pretend. Never mind. xx