Why why why?

Just been watching music video’s from the 1970’s. It brought back a lot of memories and extreme emotions from the 70’s and 60’s. I don’t know how I survived. I felt like I didn’t belong and simply couldn’t live my life as my true self.

I was someone else trapped out of place and time. That was not me and I hated everything about my life, it just wasn’t my life. Not how it should have been. I was going down the wrong path and I knew it but had no choice. I did try but really couldn’t manage. I was always out of my depth.

I was five years old and wished I had never been born. Shouted at by a GP and told I was wicked. Why? I didn’t know or understand.

I was forced to live the life of someone that didn’t exist. An out of place non entity in the wrong life. I tried to put it out of my mind and eventually it became a dull pain that could be hidden in the haze of drunkenness. It was like mourning the loss of someone close and loved. A type of grief that the passing of time could never possibly heal. It was always there just beneath the surface like a dull pain. It was heartache, I felt it in my heart.

Something changed when I fell in love with a comrade. I felt happy. Up till then I had only ever been happy when I was drinking and usually on my own. I could lose myself then.

I couldn’t tell anyone about how I felt. I wasn’t me, I was someone else. I was hiding inside someone else and had to hide my love and feelings.

The person I was inside of couldn’t love and had to act ‘his’ part. The person I loved couldn’t love me. I was hidden away inside someone else.

He did like us, the one I had fallen for and we enjoyed each others comradeship. That made me very happy. I knew it couldn’t last but accepted that. That was who we were, me and the one I was inside. Nobody would ever know or understand.

What kind of life was that. Why did I have to hide away. Why why why?

I was born Trans, that’s why. I had no choice. I wanted to live but had to hide instead. Hide myself away and pretend. Not even knowing how to pretend. Never mind. xx

Creation and everything

Just my own flight of fancy.

It is mind boggling. The physical universe is expanding in all directions but the rate of expansion is effected by gravity. That’s why galaxies seem to be spiral shaped. Time is distorted and swirled about by the thing in the middle of Galaxies and gives that illusion.

The physical universe is only one part of creation. In the beginning there were no physical laws only our spirit which exists outside of space and time. Then there was light which filled the universe which was without dimension. Then came time and space which was created as light condensed into individual packets of energy. Space/time expands in all directions, each moment of space/time expanding away from every other moment. Space expands into space/time. The whole of creation is within us. The spirit world runs parallel to the physical world and is outside of space and time.

Creation is ongoing and is evolution. Evolution is the product and purpose of creation. The realm outside of the physical which is out side of time and space and which runs parallel is also Creation. It is where we exist. We evolve in spirit.

The creator is all that has been created. In the beginning there was the creator/spirit. Then came everything in the physical realm, everything in the spirit realm mirrored creation. Just as light became physical and laws came into being by division in this physical realm, so the process mirrored that in the spirit realm. Long story short, our true selves are evolved from Creation. That is why we have the knowledge of what’s right and wrong within us. True life is love. There is more but now I am at the point where there are no words to explain. It can only be felt by our spirit which is infinite and exists outside of space and time.

The physical universe is a never ending process. Eventually all the matter and physical laws associated with this realm will fall into the void at the centre of at least one galaxy in any cluster. There are no laws in the void, only light which fills the void. When outside is inside it starts again. Either that or the the area at the centre of each galaxy is the ongoing Big Bang and is impenetrable. Infinite universes like this one created in every moment in the same space. Doesn’t matter which it is, both are true at the same time perhaps. Just how I see it.